I feel very refreshed after my 3 week holiday. along with visiting my family and friends in the Northern Territory, Australia, I also attended along with my husband our 25-30 year High School reunion. It’s wonderful to catch up with those you have lost touch with for such a long time and to find out what they have done with their lives. You learn really quickly that what you may have perceived about people in your teenage years can either be dead right or dead wrong! Hearing about my fellow class mates highs and lows in their lives can put so much into perspective about your own life and to also be grateful for the days we still walk on this earth when for the first time, hearing of those you knew are no longer with us.
I often don’t feel safe when meeting new people, it can bring up anxiety of waiting for the inevadable question which is often only from small talk, “Oh! How many children do you have?”. A question after 2 and a half years I still struggle to find the right words for, not just for me but the person I am talking to. I am very aware it is uncomfortable for people to know how to react or also to find the right words. I am torn between that, lying to them or the betrayal of not acknowledge my son’s existence.
Whilst in my home town I was able to visit my son’s grave. It still takes the wind out of my sails and I imagine that maybe it always will. For the first time I was able to just chat to him. I told of his brothers’ achievements, about my high school reunion and just general chit chat. This helped me a great deal to not just sit there and cry. I am sure he would have told me off for me fussing about, tiding up his head stone, placing flowers in the vases and just doing what mums do haha. Loosing a loved one is never easy whether it be family or friend but we all have to make the best of the time we have. To me this is not about jumping straight back into the daily grind or taking on the world but to take care of myself and my loved ones.
I started this post I thought, to talk about my trip away but now realise as I let these words spill on to the page, it’s more about the recent learning of things I need to heal my broken heart…to be kinder to myself and to those around me. Certainly words I would tell to my 15 year old self if it were possible.
Don’t wait for those special days to tell those closest to you how much you love, need and admire them, it may already be too late.